I have been scared of this day ever since I was holding my screaming, red faced, little cherub in my arms for the first time. The day when my little baby would realise that unlike a lot of her friends at day care she doesn't have a daddy. I must admit, I thought that I would be safe for another year or so, or maybe I just hoped that I would have that extra time to find some answer that was appropriate and satisifying enough for a curious toddler, OR maybe I am just incredibly unorganised. Many who know me would aruge the latter true.
The question came as I was tucking my grumpy, little mite into bed after a big day of day care. She has recently taken to having a little chat before I can completely convince her that I am serious when I say 'it is time to close your eyes and go to sleep'. My heart sank a little as I had been enjoying being the only person in the world that she really cared too much about, apart, of course, from her Griz, Foz and Aunty and we must not forget Dora the Explorer! I didn't know what exactly to say so my answer was 'God is finding one for us'. She looked at me a little confused but didn't ask the almost inevitable 'why', I was very thankful for that. But you could see the cogs turning in her little brain.
So herein lies my problem my only just 2 year old understands that unlike every other child in her day care class she doesn't have a daddy and what's more she wonders why. My biggest worry is that by not having a father around she will be missing out on something or at least feel like she is missing out on something, which is just as worrying in my eyes. I am a great believer in supporting and nurturing a child's perceptions so that they feel safe and confident rather than leave to worry or wonder. Just because it is not something we, as adults, understand or worry about doesn't mean it is not true or hurtful etcetera for them. That being said I don't beleive in overloading them with inappropriate truths that will over expose them to things they are not yet ready for. A balanced but respectful medium, in my opinion, is what is needed.
I have a lot of thinking ahead of me. A good friend gave me a book for my birthday one year that has given me constant food for thought. Raising Girls by Gisella Preuschoff, it has been my sane hold through all the times that I have doubted my approach to sole parenting. Gisella writes that in the absence of a father a 'father figure' or 'strong male presence' is recommended to allow the child the chance to interact, observe and learn about male-female relationships and the trust and interaction associated with them. This gives me some peace of mind knowing that the fact that she is growing up around her grandfather everyday is allowing her the necessary learning and interactive opportunities that she needs to develop healthy ideas, relationships and her own sense of self and place in the world.
I guess my biggest problem with this 'second best' option is that I have always been a bit, ok a lot, of a 'daddy's girl'. Everything I ever wanted, needed or desired was taken care of by my father. I cannot imagine a life without my father. At 21 he still does things for me that most adults are doing for themselves. It's not that I can't do them, it's that I wont, I like being looked after, I like having my problems handled by someone else. That being said, the older I get the less it is happening which leaves me with many times I find myself suffering panic attacks and just generally feeling snowed under by things that should be completed or sorted through with everyday ease. If something went wrong when I was little, dad would fix it, often times before I even realised it had gone wrong. He would bend over backward to make sure that I had the best. My baby doesn't get that, though. She has me who is barely able to organise herself out of a paper bag let alone organise a child's life to go off as problem free as mine did. I guess what I am sad that she doesn't get is someone to want to protect her the way that a father protects their little girl. I know I still protect her, still love her, still provide for her etcetera but it doesn't feel the same. I know I wouldn't want her to have a father like mine, not because I didn't love him or anything but because now I am left to learn hard lessons as an adult, instead of as a kid when it has less impact on others. I just want her to have that true father figure, that true love and connection.
As I see it I have a few options when it comes to her asking 'Where's my daddy?'
1. Give her an answer akin to "You don't have one." 'Why' 'Because you have me
or Because you have Foz (Grandpa)"
2. Elaborate further on my God theory
3. Divert her attention
These are the only three I can think of that aren't out and out lying and aren't going to instill in her false ideas that later lead to mistrust or insecurity. Maybe a combination of these three are in order, I'm not sure. What I am sure about is that I love my little angel and I am all she has for now. I only hope that that is enough for her and that our man isn't too far around the corner. What are your thoughts or experiences?
I am watching my little angel sleep as I type this, I think it is time that I joined her.
Until Next Time,
Soul Mum xo
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